The Great Dandelion War of 2009 A.D.
A humorous tale of conquest by David Wm Wrage.
Spring has arrived in the Kingdom of Valleyview. I step outside onto my porch and take in the smell of spring, the smell of early morning dew, the lush green color of lawn grass, and the sunny yellow of the dandelions. Say WHAT? DANDELIONS! They’re everywhere! It’s an invasion! Call out the troops, call the marines, get me the President! Something has to be done about this invading horde.
Wait, before I sound this alarm. I already have an ally. He hath been waiting all winter quietly for this opportunity to be of service. As I quickly run to my armory, I find my mechanical steed, Troy of Bilt, waiting for me. I climb upon my steed, put my foot on the brake, turn the key, and … nothing. My loyal beast is without a heartbeat. Sometime during the winter, its heart lost its power, its veins lost their blood, its lungs lost their fill of air. My poor friend, my poor loyal friend, my trusty poor loyal friend needs my help.
I rush into town. I find him a new heart and I find the potion he needs for his veins. I return to my castle and tend to Troy of Bilt’s needs. I feed him the magical fluid called Octane 89. I replace his heart with a stronger one that promises to beat at least 3 years. I fire up my wind pressurization machine and replace the air that was lost from Troy of Bilt’s lungs. And in my way to ask for forgiveness for the lack of attention, I decide to sharpen the teeth of my mechanical steed. My word, Troy of Bilt, you need new teeth. I will find you some soon, but for now, sharpening will have to do. The Dandelion Horde is advancing and is already too close.
Again, I climb upon my noble steed. I turn the key and with a roar of excitement, Troy of Bilt comes to life and growls in anticipation of battle. As I guide my mechanical steed across the drawbridge and towards the lawn, I can feel Troy of Bilt’s power as he shakes and pulls at his reins. From his nostrils comes a hot grayish breath of hatred of dandelions. I bring him onto the battlefield and give him the signal. With a powerful gnawing action, the rotating blades of death that are his teeth begin their powerful spinning and begin to attack the Dandelion Horde. With each passage across their lines, Troy of Bilt cuts them down. He showeth no mercy to the Dandelion warriors regardless of their age, be they young and golden or gray with old age. All dandelions fear him because they know their time cometh soon.
With great joy, my steed beheads all the dandelions he finds on the battlefield. To show his appreciation of the carnage he is allowed to do, he also trims back my lawn grass in order to have a better view of his enemy.
After a lengthy 45 minutes, Troy of Bilt hath won the battle. There are a few survivors, but they are weak, wounded, and retreating. His mission accomplished, the field hath been won. It is time to rest. Troy of Bilt allows me to guide him back to the castle. There I clean off the remains of his enemies that coat his armor. With a bath, I restore him to splendor. While I am feeding him more of the magical fluid so that he will not hunger again, I discover he hath been wounded in battle. His knees have been weakened and cannot bend properly. Taking him to the great blacksmith known as Schmitt of Tower, his wounds are carefully tended to and his front legs are once again strong as if they were new.
During the spring of 2009 A.D., there are many battles. Each battle is fought by Troy of Bilt and me with great gallantry. We allow the wounded survivors to leave the field of battle after each encounter. With such great success, a neighboring king comes with tribute in hand and asks us to aid in the defense of his kingdom against the very same Dandelion Horde. With great eagerness, Troy of Bilt and I accept this new challenge and prove ourselves once again in a crusade against the Dandelion Horde in this foreign land.
Summer has arrived and as I gaze upon my grassy kingdom, I decide I must take Troy of Bilt out upon the green field of battle in order to push make the ever-present dandelion horde. During the first battle of the summer months, the Dandelion Horde hath a new ally. This ally is a traitor. Sir Jack of Canine, once a trusted friend, hath made off from my kingdom without paying tribute. I dismount from my trusted mechanical steed and pursue Jack of Canine across several kingdoms. Capturing him, I return him to my dungeon to await his fate. However, during my absence, Troy of Bilt hath been cowardly attacked by Dandelion saboteurs and he has lost the will to use his rotating blades of death. It is now apparent that Jack of Canine’s mission had been to separate me from my ally, Troy of Bilt. In my guilt from having abandoned him to the Dandelion Horde, I make the vow to fix his will and to restore my honor. I find what ails him and promptly make amends by offering a small token that will restore his will to fight.
As Troy of Bilt and I travel off into the great green lands, we wonder what other adventures lie in wait for us. All I can say is stay tuned. Troy of Bilt will stay tuned also for I shall not give him reason to fail again.
